As we were compiling our three part holiday guide highlighting some of the best gifts you can get that special gamer in your life, we also stumbled across some stuff that made us wince. Being the concerned gamers that we are, we’re sure there are some people out there seriously considering giving some of these gifts. We’re here to make sure that they don’t fall into that trap. We don’t need anymore 6 o’clock news about some crazy gamer who took out 20 people in a mall due to some angry rampage, fueled by getting crappy gifts. All that’s going to do is fuel the stereotype that games makes us malcontents of society. If only the rest of world knew why we got so mad… they would understand.
Nyko Zoom Case for Nintendo DSi (Price: $24.99)
I can understand the interest in making something better with cool attachments, but come on people… how in the world was this greenlit? This detachable optical zoom lens lets you zoom in 8 times closer to your stalked prey, so all your blurry 640×480 pics are now extra blurry. Let’s be honest, if anyone actually sees you with this thing, they probably don’t want to be close to you anyways. Zooming in is the only option you got. I also question how this device would fit in your pocket, without making you look like you are sporting a massive erection. Asian model with potbelly not included.
Cardboard Mini Arcade (Price: $11.89)
Thanks for letting me know that I’m important enough for a gift, but that you are too cheap to get me a real arcade cabinet. This cardboard mess let’s you create your own PSP holder shaped like an arcade cabinet. The problem is… that’s it? The designs aren’t even based on real games, just some generic Dirt Track Rally and Cosmic Intruder branding. Most insulting of all – It’s $11.89. That’s about $11.79 more than the cost of materials for this thing.
Darkstalker Minimate: Morrigan (Price: $11.99)
What’s the point of having a Morrigan action figure if her boobs are square? I never quite understood the whole Minimate fad, and this only further confuses me further. Is this sort of a step up from Legos, but a step down from import figurines? It’s amusing how Morrigan has that “come hither” look about her, but even Demitri looks like he wouldn’t tap that arse.
Xbox 360 Arcade (Price: $199.99)
You have been dreaming of getting a next gen console for years, feeling like the one kid who is so far behind the ball with the geek in-crowd. And finally mom and dad welcome you up from your basement crib, where you been camping out for the last 2 months online, and surprise you with an Xbox 360 this holiday season. You light up with pure joy until you discover… “Wait, what’s this shit? You got me the Arcade version? You too cheap to fork over an extra few bucks to get an Elite? Do you realize there’s no harddrive? And now I gotta play my games with regular AV cables. You want me to play this on grandpa’s black and white TV? You might has well have gotten me a Wii. And you got me the one without any free games bundled in? Good thinking!!! Thanks for NOTHING mom and dad!” Ungrateful little brat… this is starting to look like the makings of a good YouTube video.
Wii 38-in-1 Super Accessories Bundle Kit (Price: $25.99)
With all the fancy moves you been performing with your Wiimote while playing Wii Sports, that someone special in your life thought that the whole Wii experience would be greatly enhanced if you had useless attachments plastered on your Wiimote. The Nintendo Wii 38-in-1 Super Accessories Bundle Kit is the just type of thing that would make someone go “These peripherals do look really cheap, and silly. But gosh darn it… there are 38 of them! That’s a great deal! OK, I’m getting this for Johnny.” I will say this about the bundle, in one fell swoop, you can pretty much guarantee that you won’t ever get another useless Wiimote attachment again, because now you have them all. Golf club, tennis racket, baseball bat, steering wheel, multi-complex mini-sticks, handy strap, hand grip pad, remote crystal protect case, nunchuk crystal protect case, console port silicon dust covers, as well as nunchuk 3-d mini-stick silicon caps. It’s all here, except for the club attachment, just in case they ever release the Clubbing Baby Seals game. Sorry… feeling a bit like the Grinch.
Joana’s World of Warcraft Player’s Guide (Price: $77.00)
As annoying as gold farmers are, or gankers, or noobs, nothing gets under my skin more than people who sell guides on how to play WOW. Or rather, nothing irks me me more than people who actually BUY these guides. I guess I have a thing against people dumb enough to buy WOW guides when you can get all the same information for free on the net. You almost have to go out of your way to not stumble upon Allakhazam, Thottbot, or WowHead. If anyone ever saw one of these guides on my desk, I would be shamed for life. Might as well tell everyone I sent money to a Nigerian Prince.
Crappy Wii Clone – I Sport TV (Price: $45.99)
Now I’m sure a poor ol dad somewhere would get something like this for their kids, thinking that his kids are too dumb to know the difference. I know, because my dad would try to pull this stunt on me all the time when I was growing up. Yeah, he was pretty cheap, and the irony of it all was that I would complain enough that he would still have to go and buy the real deal, as the knock off clone sat somewhere in a long forgotten closet. Even the kid on the box doesn’t look like he’s having a good time. That’s not a good sign.
Vacation to Amsterdam… and into a Video Game Rehab Clinic (Price: Your dignity)
I can see it now… All your friends have gathered, like all interventions. You think they have got some party planned for you, and then they “one up” it. They buy you a trip to Amsterdam! It all sounds rosy til you discover they signed you up to go to the Smith and Jones Centre, a clinic that treats things like video game addiction. You should look on the bright side, all the images on the clinic’s website are of young attractive people backpacking through the mountains, or frolicking on the beach. Seems like fun to me. And besides, secretly it’s a great way to meet other gaming addicts so that you guys can form your own guild/clan, because the world is so full of noobs that it’s hard to find a good raiding party.
Don’t forget to check out our most recommended holiday gifts for gamers! Ho ho ho!
Check out Part 1 of our Holiday Gift Guide!
Check out Part 2 of our Holiday Gift Guide!
Check out Part 3 of our Holiday Gift Guide!
The I Sport TV is not a knockoff, it’s an evolution. Look at how determined that kid is in the picture. Notice how if you photoshop a sword into his hand it still looks natural. That is because the majestic device prepared him for such hardships.
I just ordered the I Sport TV, so we can review it. And you are right, the Wiimote knock off is photoshopped into the kid’s hand! Too funny!
Nyko attachment is funny as hell. It’s huge. I don’t think anyone is going to take you seriously if you pulled that out and said you wanted to take a pic.
Actually, the Wii Remote knockoff isn’t the only thing photoshopped. I wonder what he was doing with his right arm before, because now he is an amputee. What a trooper.
There are many cures in Amsterdam for video game addiction. :)
Video game rehab. I can’t imagine getting that as a gift. Talk about ridiculously embarassing and offensive in the same gift.
Nice list – even worse than the iSport thing is something I saw at CVS. It’s a Wii Fit knockoff that comes with a cheap-o looking DDR mat for like 60 bucks.
what happened to the kids right had magically disappeared
The Cardboard Mini Arcade thing for the PSP is funny. I don’t think anyone would want to buy that for their PSP, it makes the PSP look awful.
Not only is that kid overly determined, he’s practically in a uniform!
I truly feel bad for anyone who receives that.
I agree with everything on this list… man, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a cardboard PSP arcade cabinet. Wow…
wow, those mini arcade things really are a joke.
some of these are reeeaaalyyy awful
Maybe some people prefer guides that they can read in their hands? Reading online guides is incredibly annoying when you’re looking for a walkthrough or more in-depth information than just a tidbit or two.
Sport TV game. LOL. Man that would be horrible to give any kid that instead of a Wii. I’m cheap but I wouldn’t take it that far.
That cardboard arcade is kind of cool.. but also cheesy. What does it say about me that I want one? :)
This comment is CRAZY late, but one nitpick with your 360 Arcade comment is that ALL 360 systems (even the $399 250GB super elites) comes with standard AV cables now. Stupid move on Microsoft’s part to start doing that.
Smith and Jones sounds like a good vacay! lol